The Wilder Zone

How to Get Out of Your Own Way: Challenging Self-Defeating Assumptions

We all do it. We all make assumptions. We know better. We know we shouldn't make assumptions, but we do it anyway, often without even realizing we're doing it.

A few weeks ago my son called, as he often does, to talk with me about what's going on in his life, and on that particular day he was telling me about how he'd learned he was going to be moved to a different department at work, and how he was disappointed because he preferred to stay in the department he was already in.

I had asked him then, if he'd voiced that desire to his boss and he said he'd mentioned the switch (without really voicing his desire to stay in his current dept.), but that his boss told him he needed his talents in the other department.

Then a few days later, he called to excitedly share with me that one of his co-workers, whom he'd talked with about the change, had gone to his boss to state a case for why he should stay in his current department. Apparently his co-worker was quite convincing, because his boss decided not to move him to a different department.

I told him how happy I was for him, and asked him if he realized now that he could have done the same thing for himself. He paused for a moment, and said, sounding almost surprised by the realization, "Yeah, I guess I could have, huh?"

When I asked him if it had occurred to him initially to approach his boss to state his case for staying in his department, he said that it had, but.... Knowing my son as well as I do, I told him that I was betting that somewhere in the back of his mind was the belief that it wouldn't make any difference if he spoke up and/or that it would be confrontational if he did. He said that was exactly what he'd been telling himself.

His conditioned mind had made a couple of self-defeating assumptions...that it wouldn't matter, that it would be confrontational...and what he discovered was that it didn't have to be confrontational and that it could make all the difference...he could have simply and calmly (as his co-worker had done) state the benefits to his boss and to the company, of leaving him in his department.

It was only in hindsight that my son realized that he'd been making assumptions. He'd been blaming an inaccurate view of the situation (that his boss' decision was beyond his ability to influence) for his discontent, when in reality it was his own self-defeating assumptions that were casting him in the role of victim.

This realization, even in hindsight, brings with it a new level of awareness. It doesn't guarantee that he won't ever again make self-defeating assumptions, but it makes it more likely that he'll catch himself doing it if he does. Awareness is key. If you can become aware of the self-defeating assumptions you're making, you can then challenge them.

How to Get Out of Your Own Way

1. Become Aware - The next time you're feeling the victim to some situation or circumstance, the first step to getting out of your own way is to become aware. Take a good look at the thoughts that have been running through your mind. What assumptions might you be making about the situation or about your ability to influence the situation?

2. Challenge the Assumptions - Once you've become aware of the assumptions you've been making, the next step is to challenge those assumptions. What if those assumptions are just that? What if they aren't true? What if it's those very assumptions that are getting in your way?

3. Explore the Possibilites -  Self-defeating assumptions severely limit our view of what is possible. If your original assumption is untrue, what positive, pro-active steps might you take? What possibilities might there be that your self-defeating assumption was preventing you from seeing? (If you find this step challenging, engage a supportive, non-judgmental friend or loved one who is able to see the situation from a more objective perspective, to help you brainstorm.)

4. Take Action! - Take whatever positive, pro-active steps you identified in step 3. If you find this step intimidating or scary, ask yourself...What have you really got to lose? In my experience, nine times out of ten, the answer to that question is nothing. If, indeed, no action you take will serve to influence the situation, then you're no worse off than if you'd allowed the self-defeating assumption to stand and you'd done nothing. The difference is, having taken whatever steps you could, you'll come away from the siuation knowing you did all you could, rather than feeling victimized, and you won't get lost in regret later, wondering if you'd only done this or that, if things could have been different.

So my question to you is this...what self-defeating assumptions are you making and how might you, and your life, be different if you challenge them?

Dealing with the Negativity of Others

A few days ago someone angrily accused me of taking the "easy way." This person's stance was that being in business for myself was a shortcut, a way to indulge my inherent laziness and to avoid being responsible. To his mind I should be working a "real" job.

Needless to say this was someone who has never been in business for himself. Anyone who has knows that being in business for yourself, while it does have numerous benefits and advantages over a regular 9 to 5 job working for someone else, is anything but the "easy way," and comes with more than a few disadvantages too.

Building a business around your passion, around doing something you love, is a joy but is it easy?! No way. It takes a level of dedication, drive, guts, and hard work that most employers see in only a rare few of their employees.

Going into biz for yourself isn't for everyone. Far from being the "easy way" it's one of the hardest and most challenging things I've ever done, personally and professionally. As a result it has also been, and continues to be, the source of a great deal of growth, both personally and professionally. Growth that isn't always comfortable, and that I'd never describe as easy.

I'd be willing to bet that you've run into a few nay-sayers such as this since you went into biz for yourself. Often it's those closest to us that are first to voice these kinds of negative statements, as it's those closest to us that are most heavily invested in wanting us not to change, and change is inherent in running your own biz. In those instances I've found it's best to be patient, to be gentle, to be reassuring. Those that love you will come around, it may just take some time. It's also especially important when you are meeting resistance from those you love, to surround yourself with others who are actively supportive and encouraging.

The other source of this kind of negativity is often from those who are unhappy with their jobs, their lives, or have longed to start their own business, to do what they love, and long ago gave up the dream. If you can keep this in mind and find it within you to feel compassion, it's much easier to deal with and much less likely to bring you down. Rather than argue (you'll never convince these folks anyway), simply remind yourself of what you know to be true about who you are and what you're capable of.

If you're determined to build a wildly successful business built around your passion you will, and dealing with the occasional negativity of others will be nothing more than one of the many opportunities for growth along the way.

Accomplishing Great Things

To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. ~ Anatole France

It's not enough to have a vision for your life or business. You must also be able to envision yourself achieving it. To do so, as this quote expresses so well, requires that we allow ourselves to dream and to believe in ourselves and our ability to accomplish whatever we set out to achieve.

Fear: What Might it be Trying to Tell You?

I write often on the subject of fear but I don't know that I've ever written here about one of the more positive aspects of fear. Yes, even fear isn't all bad. While we certainly don't want to let fear prevent us from living fully, it can be very worthwhile to give a bit of thought to what fear might be trying to tell us when it arises.

Fear can seem to pop up out of nowhere for no apparent reason, but in truth, it arises from some thought, belief or perspective, and it's only our lack of awareness that makes it seem as though it's popped up out of nowhere.  It can be quite enlightening to recognize from where it stems, when you take the time to contemplate it. Enlightening and freeing, because once we've become aware of the thought, belief or perspective underlying the fear, we can address it, shift it, transform it, so that it not only no longer creates fear, but no longer holds us back from living more fully.

Whether in our personal or business lives, when things aren't going quite as we'd like, or quite as we'd intended, it's frequently because there's some limiting belief lurking just beneath our conscious awareness. If we tune in to fear when it arises initially, it is entirely possible to become aware of the limiting belief, and doing so is the first step toward changing it before it has a chance to wreak havoc in our lives. Unidentified limiting beliefs can lead us to unknowingly sabotage even the best of our intentions.

This truth was driven home all too clearly to me this morning when a bit of fear arose for me (yes, just because I write about how to shift out of fear, how to move forward despite it,  doesn't mean I don't feel it too) and I took the time to ponder what it was all about and where it was really coming from. It was clear to me that it wasn't, on a surface level, rational. There was no logical reason for me to be feeling it. In fact, quite the contrary...all evidence, everything about the situation, indicated I had nothing to fear. Despite my attempts to convince myself of this truth, I was still feeling....yup, you guessed it....fear. Sound familiar?

When I took some time to ponder what it was really about, since clearly it wasn't about the situation itself, I was able to recognize what was underlying my fear. Despite several challenges over the last few weeks, life is good. Really good. So good it sometimes feels too good to be true. A-ha! Therein lies the essence of this morning's moments of fear....

Life has not always been good, or easy. In fact, before stepping into the Wilder Zone to live my life being more true to myself, there were a lot of struggles, a lot of challenges, and a good deal of painful experiences. All of which I'm grateful for as they stimulated some amazing personal growth, and are a part of who I am and this wonderful life I'm blessed with, today. However, the insight gained this morning, was that they also were at the root of my fear. On some sub-conscious level, some small part of me was waiting for the other shoe to fall, for it to all come crashing down around me. Oh yes, that would explain the fear all right. As soon as I realized where it was coming from, the fear disappeared and I found myself laughing. Needless to say, I don't, on a conscious,  intellectual level, believe that life has to be about pain and struggle, but it's those sub-conscious, emotional beliefs that tend to sneak up on us and can lead us to sabotage ourselves if we don't take the time to listen to what our fears might be trying to tell us.

So the next time you find yourself feeling fear that you don't quite understand, fear for which the source is not clear, I invite you to take a few moments to contemplate it, or talk about it with an understanding friend or loved one. If you can identify what the fear might be trying to tell you, while it may not immediately shift the hold the limiting belief has on you, it will allow you to be more aware of it, and when you're aware of it you can take steps to insure it doesn't continue to hold you back.

How to Cope When Life Spins Out of Control

If I had to choose a single image to represent the week I've just had and the way I've felt during much of it, it would be this one.  Okay, so this is The Wilder Zone afterall, but PUHLEASE....this is ridiculous. It's been a crazy, outta control, whirling-dervish-tazmanian-devil kinda week that left me feeling much of the time as though my head were spinning. One of those weeks in which I've actually thought that the men in white coats coming to cart me off to the looney bin would be a welcome reprieve.

Sometimes life is like that. None of us are immune. Something unexpected occurs that demands your time, attention and energy, whether you have any to spare or not. And, of course, there's never a good time for these unexpected and/or unwanted events to occur. So what to do? While I wouldn't dream of claiming to know all the answers (I'll leave that to my two teenage sons), there are a few things I will share with you that helped me get through this past week.

1. Remember to breathe...seriously. One of the first things we do when we're stressed or overwhelmed is breathe more shallowly and rapidly, which far from helping, only further increases our stress levels.

2. Repetitive physical activity, whether it's dishwashing or jogging, is a great way to get out of your head and back into your body. Along with our breathing rate increasing when we're stressed, often our thoughts begin to race as well. Once you're back in your body it becomes much easier to focus your thoughts.

3. Reach out for help and support. Just having a friendly voice to talk it all out with can help you to sort through your thoughts and feelings, and can go a long way toward keeping you sane. If it were not for the loving support of some amazing friends this past week, I might be blubbering incoherently in a corner somewhere rather than writing this post. Your friends want to be there for you, but they can't if you don't let them know you need them.

4. Try free-flow writing. Writing is another great way to process your thoughts and feelings and bring you back to a place where you're feeling a bit more grounded. Free-flow writing is simply allowing yourself to write whatever comes up without censoring it. It's not about writing well and it's not intended for anyone else to read. If at first you don't know what to write, write "I don't know what to write, I don't know what to write, I don't know what to write." Before you know it, your thoughts will be spilling onto the page and you may discover thoughts and feelings you weren't even aware of before beginning.

5. Read something inspirational. While it's easy to keep a positive perspective of love and abundance when things are going well, it can be very challenging when life feels out of control or overwhelming. Having something inspirational to read from, even if only for brief moments throughout your day, can help you to regain a more positive perspective.

6. Remember that no matter how tough things seem, this too shall pass.  Although when you're in a state of stress and overwhelm it can feel as though it will never end, it will. It will pass. You will get through it. I find it helpful to recall other challenging times that felt just as difficult but that are now behind me. Somehow, some way, things have a way of working out, even if in the moment, I can't envision exactly how.

7. Let go of resistance and accept what is.  All too often we make difficult circumstances even more difficult by resisiting them. Thoughts like, "This shouldn't be happening. This can't be happening. This is NOT my life. Why me? Why now? I don't want to deal with this," run through our heads, but the truth is, like it or not, it is happening, whatever "it" is.  The sooner we can accept what is, the sooner we can take positive action to address or resolve the difficult circumstances.

8. Be gentle with yourself. We also tend to make things more difficult by beating ourselves up for whatever we're feeling or for not coping better, or by blaming ourselves for the situation, all of which serve only to make things worse. Cut yourself some slack. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a family member or a dear friend. Be sure to make time for the things you find comforting and nourishing for your soul, whether that's time with friends, meditation, time in nature, a soak in a hot tub, or your favorite comfort food.

9. Focus on all you have to be grateful for. No matter how tough things might get from time to time, there are always  things in our life for which to be grateful. Regardless of any momentary difficulties I am grateful every day for so many things. From the sunshine streaming through my window on this beautiful December day to all of the amazing, loving people in my life.   

I'll share just one last piece of wisdom, imparted to me by a very special and wise man who has not only offered me his unconditional love and support, but has kept me laughing when I most needed to, "Keep your chin up and your t*ts off the floor!"

Mastering the Power of Acceptance

Resistance is something we all run into from time to time, and it's one of the most common obstacles to living fully and to creating a wildly successful business. Resistance keeps us stuck, and ellicits uncomfortable emotions. Stress, frustration, overwhelm, procrastination, anxiety, worry, fear, anger...just to name a few.

While acceptance is a state that is easy to achieve when things are going smoothly in our lives, it's not nearly so easy to achieve when they aren't, and it's precisely when things aren't going smoothly that we most need to be able to achieve a state of acceptance. So when my colleague , Ron Wypkema, told me about his latest program, "Awareness Secrets of Stress Free Living: Mastering the Power of Acceptance" I once again jumped at the chance to interview him on the subject.

We'd love to have you join us tonight at 6:30 pst/9:30 est for this free call where I'll be interviewing Ron about the art of acceptance and how powerful it can be in transforming states of resistance and stress. Ron is a spiritual teacher and relationship expert with a true gift for helping others to make shifts in awareness that allow them to live more fulfilling and rewarding lives.

So true...

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have."
-Doris Mortman

A Precious Privilege

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive--to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. " - Marcus Aurelius

How often do you start your day in this way? What might the impact, on your day, your life, your business, be if you started your day this way every day? What practice might you begin to implement to insure you do start each day this way?

It's all too easy, for those of us who work from a home office, to roll out of bed and head straight for the computer, the overflowing inbox, the lengthy to-do list that seems to multiply as we sleep. What if....you started your day with meditation, exercise, an inspirational, empowering book or audio book, a healthy and liesurely breakfast, quiet time simply contemplating the joy and possibility of a new day?

How To: Shift Out of Fear

Fear is a subject I talk and write about frequently because it's a natural reaction to stepping out of your comfort zone as you grow your business and create a life that brings you joy.  In the past week it's come up as a subject of discussion with clients and colleagues even more than usual which prompted me to write two posts on the subject over on Coachamatic. If you've been struggling with fear recently, as we all do from time to time, pop on over to read How To: Shift Out of Fear and How To: Shift Out of Fear, Part 2 where I've shared two of the methods that I've found helpful when staying out of panic mode becomes challenging.

Side note: I just have to take this opportunity again, to stress that if you haven't yet checked out the Coachamatic blog, you're missing out on a really fabulous resource. There's an incredible wealth of information on a really wide variety of topics to be found there. I hope you'll take a peek.

Bumper Sticker Wisdom

I read a rather profound bit of wisdom on, of all things, a bumper sticker this morning. It read:

"Don't believe everything you think." 

It is so often our own thoughts that hold us back, that squash our dreams and our pursuit of them.  You know the kind. The kind that pop into your mind when you set an intention to build a wildly successful business doing what you love, or to double your income in the coming year, that says, "You can't do that. Who do you think you are?" Or "Yeah, right. You've never done it before, so what makes you think you can now?!" The kind that serve no useful purpose. The kind that instill fear if not downright panic at just the thought of attempting to reach for something more, something bigger, than you've ever done before. The kind that keep you stuck and attempt to prevent you from being and doing all that you know you can be and do.

Those kinds of thoughts spring up from the ego and are fear-based. The ego likes to maintain the status quo and defines itself according to the past. The ego operates from a limited perspective of who we are as defined by who we've been, of what we can do as defined by what we've done before.  It tries to keep us locked into old, and often reactive, patterns of thought and behavior.

Who we are and what we can do is so much more than the ego dares to admit. If we can only learn to listen to and believe the thoughts of our hearts and souls, rather than the thoughts that spring from the ego....we'll soon discover that our capacity for who we can be and what we can achieve is boundless.

The first step in learning not to believe everything we think is to learn to discern the thoughts that spring from ego from those that spring from our being, from our heart and soul. Now, before I continue, let me just clarify that I am not for a moment suggesting that there's no benefit to logical, rational thought. There certainly is, but the thoughts that spring from ego are neither logical nor rational, much as the ego might like you to believe they are.

The thoughts that arise from ego are fear-based and critical. Learning to recognize them is not as hard as it may first seem. They are the ones that can take you from a state of peace and calm to one of sheer panic or despair in mere moments.  They are disempowering, discouraging, disheartening. In a word, they are negative, and believing in them will prevent you from living fully, from being and doing all that you are capable of.

The thoughts that arise from the heart and soul, from your very being, are just the opposite. They arise from a perspective of love and abundance. They are gentle whispers. They are the ones that will deepen a state of peace and calm. They are the ones that ellicit excitement, joy, hope, and confidence. They are empowering, encouraging, and uplifting. They will inspire you to take postive action and will allow you to live fully and to realize your true potential.

Recognizing which are which and learning to discard those that do not serve you, like anything else, simply requires practice.